Month's End

Thank goodness this month is almost over.  I am ready for a fresh start in April.  Why do I want March to be over and done with so badly?

• I was involved in a take-over style robbery by a masked man at the bank I work at
• My car was broken into while parked on my driveway - my window was smashed in and my purse stolen
• Everywhere I go - literally, EVERYWHERE - I am made painfully aware of how NOT pregnant I am, even though Nick and I have been trying for 7 months now.  I seriously know 10 pregnant ladies - 10!  And another 5 or 6 that have just had their babies.
• I ran into a guy that I have known since I was like 8 years old and he was asking about my family and asked how my sister Kim was doing...  He though I was Sierra.  Now, my sister looks fantastic now, but not just a few short years ago was very overweight... so it was made clear to me that I have become the fat sister.
• My brother's two best friends came home from their missions this month and it has made me miss Zack so much it hurts.

So what am I going to do to make April a better month than March?

• Try try again for the whole pregnancy thing
• Watch General Conference and soak up all the goodness (visit lds.org to learn more)
• I joined a gym and have already gone twice in the four days since joining
• I enrolled in an online class to try and start inching toward my degree that only has a 7 classes left to finish since I am not pregnant and need to be doing something with my life

That's my game plan right now.  It's not much, but it's something, and hopefully the homework and working out will keep my mind off the absence of both a pregnant belly and my brother.

Any other ideas?  I'm open to suggestions.

Safe Place

Going to this place tomorrow:

Going to see a dear friend get sealed, and maybe try and spend a little time soaking up the Spirit and doing a little bit of healing.  Remember when I said I didn't have a safe place?  Well, this is my safe place, and nobody can ever change that.

When It Rains, It Pours...

So remember how my work got robbed?  Like a week and a half ago?  Well, yesterday I woke up to this:

Yep.  My car window was smashed in.  They stole my purse (which had $100, a credit card, and a whole bunch of gift cards), they stole a bag of stuff that was getting ready to be put in a package to my brother, and they went through my glove box.
I can't stop crying.  I feel so violated.  First someone came into my work and made that a place I don't feel safe, and now someone has come to my home and smashed up my car on my driveway, making my home a place I don't feel safe either.  I don't have a safe place anymore.
I know everything happens for a reason, so instead of asking "Why me?" I have been TRYING very hard to ask, "What am I supposed to learn from this?"  It hasn't exactly been working out very well for me.
It's like they say, when it rains, it pours... and right now I am getting poured on.  Why can't it ever pour down money?  Or gift cards to Texas Roadhouse?  Or high heels?  Or something a little bit more useful than trauma and terror and scared-ness and tears?

Terror

Have you ever had an experience in your life that changes you?  Something that totally alters the way you view the world, and even how you view yourself?  I had an experience like that this past Saturday.
The bank where I work was robbed.
I have never experienced fear like that before.  The sheer terror you feel when you see a man in a super scary mask running at the door to your place of work, not knowing what is going to happen to you or if you'll ever be able to tell your loved ones "I love you" again... it is indescribable.
I feel as though I have been permanently altered, as though that horrible man robbed me of so much more than just money.  I feel anxious, loud noises make me jump and my heart race, the simple act of driving up to the place where I spend 40 hours of my week ties my stomach in knots, I have trouble sleeping and when I do sleep, that masked face haunts my dreams.
Thankfully they caught the guy.  If you're interested, you can read the press release from the Sheriff's website here.
It's been hard feeling like I'll never be normal again.  It's been hard because I don't really have anyone to talk to about it... unless you've been through something like that, you just don't understand.  It's been hard dealing with the random breakdowns - crying over nothing, having to pull over to the side of the road because you realize the car in front of you looks like the getaway car, snapping at customers because they ask if the guy stole their money... It will get better.  I know it will.  Each day seems to get incrementally easier to function.  Someday I will be okay again, but not today.