A Sad Story.

I have a story to tell you.  I must warn you though, it is not a very happy story, although I know that someday it will have a happy ending.

It begins on April 19th, when I took a little test and got the best grade I've ever had on any test I've ever taken - PREGNANT!  Nick and I couldn't have been happier.  We had been trying to conceive since October, and our patience (sort of) and diligence was finally being rewarded.  We called the doctor and scheduled our first appointment, we started plotting fun ways to tell our families at Mother's Day, I set up the area for my weekly photos to document how my belly would grow... I even went out and bought a maternity shirt so I could wear the same shirt in all of my pictures so you could REALLY see the difference in the growth from week to week.  And me being me, I had already picked out a beautiful ring in blue Topaz - December's birthstone- that Nick could buy me to celebrate our little one who we had waited so long to join our family.

On Sunday April 29th, I started to have a little bit of light spotting and some very mild cramping, but did some research and decided it was nothing to worry about.  By this point, I had already accidentally spilled the beans to my mom, and she told me that was totally normal, that a lot of women spot early on in their pregnancy.  But when I woke up on Tuesday morning May 1st to get ready for work and realized I was covered in blood, I knew something was wrong. I called my doctor's answering service, who got ahold of my doctor, and I was told to go to the emergency room, where I spent the better part of the day.  In the end, I was told that because I hadn't been to my doctor yet, they didn't have anything to compare the hormone levels in my blood to, so based on their measurement of 108, one of two things happened: One, I wasn't as far along as I thought I was, which is why my levels were so low and nothing had showed up on the ultrasound, or Two, I had been pregnant but had miscarried.  They told me to keep my doctor's appointment, which was scheduled for two days from then anyway, and that my doctor would check my levels again and let me know one way or the other.  I was told that if I was still pregnant, that my levels would double, and if I had miscarried, they would drop significantly.

Thursday May 3rd: Go to Doctors.  Dr tells me that based on what she sees, I have more than likely miscarried.  She orders some blood work for me to do the next day (Friday) and tells me she will call me with the results by the end of the day to let me know what our next step will be.

Friday May 4th:  The doctor calls.  My levels did not double... and they did not go down.  They went up to 124.  She wants me to repeat the blood work on Monday morning.

Monday May 7th:  Repeat the blood work.  They doctor calls.  Again my levels went up slightly to 146.  At this point the doctor tells me that she thinks there is still some part of the fetus left in my uterus, and wants me to repeat my blood work one more time on Wednesday, and then come see her Thursday morning when she would most likely perform a D&C to clean out my uterus so we can start again.  She says that the only other thing it could be is an ectopic (aka tubal) pregnancy, but she doubts it because with a tubal pregnancy I would be in massive amounts of pain (I was experiencing no pain at all) and my hormone levels would be WAY higher than what they were.

Thursday May 10th:  I go in to the doctor.  She tells me my levels have finally started to go down (Yay?) but they didn't drop enough for her liking.  She does another ultrasound to take a look and see if she sees anything unusual.  She says my uterus looks fabulous (thanks?) that the lining looks great, and she's going to check my ovaries and tubes.  Ovaries look good.  Right tube good.  Left tube... not so much.  She sees some sort of mass in my tube that she can't identify (it could be stool, but it could be something else), so I get sent across the street to the hospital so they can do another ultrasound with their more powerful equipment.  I get yet another ultrasound.  If anyone is keeping track, we're now at 2 regular ultrasounds and 4 vaginal ultrasounds. The radiologist looks at the images, and consults with my doctor, who orders an MRI.  At this point my mom (who thankfully had the day off and had come with me to my doctors appointment) and I are pretty sure that the possibility of it being stool is out.  I have the MRI (I don't really recommend it.  They pretty much suck.) and 2 different radiologists look at the scans.  I am then told that I need to go straight back to my doctors office.  Sooo.. doctor appointment at 9 AM, to the hospital by 10:30, and back over to my doctors office at 4:15 PM.  My doctor pulls me straight back to an exam room, where I am informed that I have a mass either on my ovary or in my tube right next to my ovary and they can't tell what it is.  They want to do exploratory surgery to go in with a scope and determine what it is.  Or, because at this point my levels are going down, we can just wait and see what happens.  Oh, and they want to do the surgery the next morning at 10:30 AM.  No big deal.  No pressure or anything.  I talk to Nick, I talk to my mom, I talk to my doctor, and we decide that the best course of action at this point, after 11 days of trying to figure out what is going on, is to have the surgery.

Friday May 11th:  They do the surgery and find the worst case scenario.  They find an ectopic pregnancy that has done so much damage to my left fallopian tube that they have to remove the whole thing.  They also discover that I have endometriosis.  Nick and my mom both said that when the doctor came out to tell them what had happened, that the doctor was kind of in shock.  Based on my symptoms, or lack there of, no one ever expected what they found.  The surgery that was supposed to be a quick one hour, turned into three, and I ended up being at the hospital all day when everyone, doctors included, expected to have me home by 3.  

So now I am on the road to recovery.  I finally have answers, and can start to move on with my life.  The` doctor said it shouldn't be a problem to get pregnant again, because I still have the one tube.  I am doing okay, physically.  I am very sore, and it is a bit difficult to get around.  You don't realize how vital your stomach muscles are for every little move you make until you're not supposed to be using them. Mentally and emotionally, I'm still trying to process things.  It's been tough.  I mean, when I pictured this part of my life, I never in a million years pictured miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies and losing one of my tubes.  I pictured morning sickness and a growing belly and baby showers.

Throughout the process I have had a couple of priesthood blessings.  I cannot even begin to describe the peace and calmness that those blessings have brought for both Nick and I.  I don't think I could make it through this ordeal without the blessings of this Gospel.  I know that the Lord has a plan for me, and I know that plan includes motherhood.  I may not be able to see the reason for this particular trial, but I know that everything the Lord puts us through has a purpose.  Throughout all of this, I have felt my Savior's love all around me.  I know He has been with me every step of the way holding my hand and carrying me though.  I know He loves me.

As for my sweet baby - I don't know if I will get to meet him/her in this lifetime - if that just wasn't the right body and he/she has to wait for the next one - or if he/she will be part of my family in the next life, but I do know that I love him/her so much.  Its amazing how quickly you feel that love develop even without ever having seen their face or heard their little heart beating.  

This is what I was born to do.  Being a mother is what I was put on this earth for.  I know that now more than ever.  I cannot wait until we can start trying again and hope that this time my body gets it right.  And then my sad story will finally have its happy ending.