So how AM I doing? The answer I usually give people is that I'm doing okay. I have my ups and downs, but I'm trying to keep a positive attitude and I'm getting through. That is mostly right. What I don't tell them is that lately it feels like there are more bad days than good. The first coulple of weeks were spent recovering physically, and not that I feel like my body is healed, the emotional side of the ordeal is hitting me harder than ever.
Yesterday happened to be an overwhelmingly bad day. I had a break down at work in the bathroom... it was just one of those days. There are some nights that I will silently cry myself to sleep trying not to wake Nick up. And unless you have experienced a miscarriage of some sort, you won't understand. Today is a better day thankfully.
It's a struggle to stay positive and keep a good attitude, but I'm working really hard at it. Everyday I try to make a conscious decision that I'm going to be happy, even on the mornings when it feels like I would much rather just stay in bed with a gallon of chocolate moose tracks.
When I have a bad day I try to remind myself of how much I have to be grateful for. I look around me at my beautiful home, a loving husband, a sweet dog, a job that (even though I hate it) helps pay the bills, a car that runs well, health insurance, and so many other things that I can't even begin to list them here. I think about the amazing body I have been blessed with that was divinely designed to continue to function normally even when one of your fallopian tubes is removed. I think about the fact we DID get pregnant, and if we did it once, we can do it again, and it won't be too much longer before we can start trying again. I think about divine revalation which reassures me that I will be a mother one day - from Nick's and my patriachal blessings, to my brother on a mission who told me it was revealed to him I would be a mother, to my stake president who came up to me one day, shook my hand, looked me in the eye and told me that if I continued to have faith that mighty miracles would come about in my life.
This has been the most difficult thing i have ever had to endure, but through it, the Lord has manifested His love for me more clearly and more strongly than I have ever experienced. I am so grateful for this Gospel and the strength and faith it gives me in my life. Without my memebership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and all of the knowledge that I have gained because of it, I don't know how I could have made it through. It is so wonderful.
Yesterday happened to be an overwhelmingly bad day. I had a break down at work in the bathroom... it was just one of those days. There are some nights that I will silently cry myself to sleep trying not to wake Nick up. And unless you have experienced a miscarriage of some sort, you won't understand. Today is a better day thankfully.
It's a struggle to stay positive and keep a good attitude, but I'm working really hard at it. Everyday I try to make a conscious decision that I'm going to be happy, even on the mornings when it feels like I would much rather just stay in bed with a gallon of chocolate moose tracks.
When I have a bad day I try to remind myself of how much I have to be grateful for. I look around me at my beautiful home, a loving husband, a sweet dog, a job that (even though I hate it) helps pay the bills, a car that runs well, health insurance, and so many other things that I can't even begin to list them here. I think about the amazing body I have been blessed with that was divinely designed to continue to function normally even when one of your fallopian tubes is removed. I think about the fact we DID get pregnant, and if we did it once, we can do it again, and it won't be too much longer before we can start trying again. I think about divine revalation which reassures me that I will be a mother one day - from Nick's and my patriachal blessings, to my brother on a mission who told me it was revealed to him I would be a mother, to my stake president who came up to me one day, shook my hand, looked me in the eye and told me that if I continued to have faith that mighty miracles would come about in my life.
This has been the most difficult thing i have ever had to endure, but through it, the Lord has manifested His love for me more clearly and more strongly than I have ever experienced. I am so grateful for this Gospel and the strength and faith it gives me in my life. Without my memebership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and all of the knowledge that I have gained because of it, I don't know how I could have made it through. It is so wonderful.
1 comment:
Wow, Kim I had no Idea! Loosing a baby is not easy, I feel like a complete jerk for not knowing. I guess I better go to church more often, and be a bit more social. Thanks for sharing... I found that talking helps. I'm fighting back tears as I type this cause it brings back the heartbreak. If you EVER need to talk please call me. And I mean it!!!! Love you!
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